Ask the Experts
Get the answers to your most commonly asked questions
regarding child-pet health concerns from the Companion Animal Parasite
Council's leading pediatrician, Dr. Eugenia Marcus, MD, FAAP.
Dr. Marcus is a private practice physician and specialist in pediatric
health care at Newton-Wellesley Hospital in Newton, Massachusetts. She
earned her doctorate from Women's Medical College of Pennsylvania and
completed her residency in pediatrics at St. Luke's in New York City and
Stanford University Hospital in Palo Alto, California.
A former president of the Massachusetts Chapter of the American Academy
of Pediatrics, Dr. Marcus currently serves as a delegate for Massachusetts
to the American Medical Association House of Delegates and as a chair
of the Information Technology Committee of the Massachusetts Medical Society.
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Helping Children Cope
The death of a pet not only creates grief and sadness,
but it can also present a confusing situation for children whose lives
have not previously been touched by death. When a pet dies, parents must
simultaneously emerge as role models for their children to show that the
grieving process is normal, while taking on the difficult task of explaining
the loss of the pet.
Each parent knows how much information their particular child can handle,
but here are some general guidelines for helping children deal with the
death of a pet.
• Give the child permission to work through
their grief.
• Include the child in everything that is going on.
• Tell their teacher about the pet's death.
• Encourage the child to talk freely about the pet.
• Give the child plenty of hugs and reassurance.
• Discuss death, dying and grief honestly. Explain the permanency
of death without saying things like your pet was "put to sleep."
The child may become afraid of going to sleep.
How children deal with
death according to age
For adults, the loss of a beloved pet creates a sense of loss and produces
a predictable chain of emotions. The stages of grief are typically denial,
sadness, depression, guilt, anger and finally, relief or recovery. However,
the effects on children vary widely depending upon the child's age and
maturity level. The basis for a child's reaction is their ability to understand
death. A child's age determines how well they are able to comprehend death
and how they will view the death of a pet.
Two and Three-Year Olds
Children who are two or three years old typically have no understanding
of death. They often consider it a form of sleep. They should be told
that their pet has died and will not return. Common reactions to this
include temporary loss of speech and generalized distress. The two or
three year old should be reassured that the pet's failure to return is
unrelated to anything the child may have said or done. Typically, a child
in this age range will readily accept another pet in place of the dead
one.
Four, Five and Six-Year Olds
Children in this age range have some understanding of death, but in a
way that relates to a continued existence. The pet may be considered to
be living underground while continuing to eat, breathe and play. Alternatively,
it may be considered asleep. A return to life may be expected if the child
views death as temporary. These children often feel that any anger they
had for the pet may be responsible for its death. This view should be
discouraged and proven to be false because they may also translate this
belief to the death of family members in the past.
Some children also see death as contagious and begin
to fear that their own death (or that of others) is imminent. They should
be reassured that their death is not likely. Manifestations of grief often
take the form of disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating and
sleeping. This is best managed by parent-child discussions that allow
the child to express feelings and concerns. Several brief discussions
are generally more productive than one or two prolonged sessions.
Seven, Eight and Nine-Year
Olds
The irreversibility of death becomes real to these children. They usually
do not personalize death, thinking it cannot happen to them. However,
some children may develop concerns about death of their parents. They
may become very curious about death and its implications. Parents should
be ready to respond frankly and honestly to questions that may arise.
Several manifestations of grief may occur in these children, including
the development of school problems, learning problems, antisocial behavior,
hypochondriacal concerns or aggression. Additionally, withdrawal, over
attentiveness or clinging behavior may be seen. Based on grief reactions
to loss of parents or siblings, it is likely that the symptoms may not
occur immediately, but several weeks or months later.
Ten and Eleven-Year Olds
Children in this age range generally understand death as natural, inevitable
and universal. As a result, these children often react to death in a manner
very similar to adults.
Ways
to honor your pet
Veterinary Technician, a publication of the veterinary industry, recommends
these ways to help your child honor the memory of a pet:
• Write a letter to your pet expressing
your feelings.
• Have a proper burial for your pet.
• Place a bench with a nameplate or inscription beside your pet's
grave.
• Put your pet's ashes in a potted plant, urn or under a favorite
tree.
• Have a portrait of your pet drawn from a favorite photo.
• Place your pet's identification tags on a key ring, necklace or
charm bracelet.
• Volunteer at a local humane organization.
• Make a donation in your pet's name to a local veterinary hospital
or humane organization.
